7 Things You Need to Stop Apologizing For
What two words do I wish my friends, colleagues, and neighbours would uttermost? “I’m incredible”. What two words do my friends, colleagues, and neighbours actually uttermost? “I’m sorry”. No, it’s not because they so often do or say things they wish they hadn’t; it’s because as women growing up in today’s world, we’ve commonly been taught – directly or indirectly – to apologize for doing the very things we need to do to live our best life. So I say it’s time we start to pay attention to those two words that mean so much, acknowledge the beliefs that both lead to and result from them, and commit to feeling less sorry for – and more certain in – our actions and desires. Here are seven things you need to stop apologizing for and start embracing and celebrating instead.
1. Being imperfect
Did you know that perfectionism is at the root of a whole host of psychological and physical ailments? It’s an epidemic that’s been sweeping the country for decades, and because it knows no gender, age, or race barriers, it’s likely not a concept that’s foreign to you. Did you also know that perfection is a myth? The woman dressed perfectly on television, the man articulately discussing his entrepreneurial success, the pastor delivering a carefully prepared message that helps you understand your life better… are all imperfect. And so am I. And so are you. The important thing to remember is that you are allowed to not have it “all together”. You are allowed to not be perfect. In fact, you are expected to not be perfect, by anyone who understands the nature of humankind, that is.
2. Not knowing what you want
Whether it’s your next partner, your next professional move, or the decision to start a family, it’s okay not to know exactly what you want. There are times in life when we can pinpoint exactly what we want, and there are times (all the times in between, actually) that we are figuring it out. In fact, we spend 99% of the time figuring it out by questioning, playing, exploring, and trying on various ways of being. This “figuring it out” never ceases. After all, life is a journey of ever-evolving desires and just when you thought you knew it all, life awakens you with an unexpected realization, person, or opportunity… just to spice things up a little and encourage you to grow. Not knowing what you want, and staying curious in the exploration, it turns out, is just as bad-ass of a move as knowing what you want and going after it.
3. Feeling sad
Feeling anything less than cheerful, vibrant, and positive does not make you an inconvenience to the rest of the world. It does, however, make you human. Know that you are allowed to feel sad about the state of things in your life, or about the state of the world. Some events, after all, just cause for sadness. Trying to cover it up neither looks nor feels good (to you or anyone else around you). I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather be around a person who is genuinely angry or sad than one who is inauthentically happy. Smile your fake smile for your social media selfie, but please show up authentically throughout your day. Whether that means that the corners of your mouth point up or down, it’s all good. It’s okay not to be okay all of the time and feigning constant happiness or even “okayness” tends to be just another way that we succumb to the perfectionism mentioned in #1.
4. Putting yourself first
It’s nice when the people around us feel good and are supported in some way by our presence. It’s not so nice, however, when this happens at the expense of our own well-being. Putting yourself first is not a crime. It isn’t a sign of selfish behaviour. It also doesn’t indicate a lack of care or compassion for others. It does, however, honour you and your own desires and needs. It is perfectly okay to say “I would love to help you out, but my schedule just doesn’t allow for it today” when you have an evening workout and relaxation routine planned. It is also perfectly okay to say “I really love and care for you, my friend, but I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth to listen and give you advice on your problem right now” when you, yourself, are feeling a bit emotionally taxed from the day or if you simply don’t want to devote your time to it at that moment. No, needing time for yourself doesn’t mean you’re egocentric, and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad friend, partner, colleague, or family member. It means that you understand that putting yourself first is the precursor to all successful relationships in your life.
5. Walking away from a relationship
Whether platonic or romantic, you can walk away from a relationship that you no longer feel supports who you are and who you are becoming. It baffles me how society leads us to this engrained notion that a breakup or divorce denotes failure. Just take the statement “My marriage failed”, for example. Did your marriage fail or were you actually successful in noticing that something that once worked well wasn’t working so well anymore? Are you a failure or are you actually a winner for recognizing an opportunity to walk away from something unfulfilling, knowing that there is something better out there for you? Did you fail or are you actually thriving in life by not keeping yourself stagnant in old situations and experiences and boldly creating new, more rewarding ones? Any time you walk away from something that no longer serves you, you open the door for something that does. If that’s not an empowered, badass move, I don’t know what is.
6. Making decisions from your heart
We are all wired a little differently; some of us rely heavily on our logical brain when making decisions, and others rely more heavily on our emotional guidance system. All of us utilize both to some degree but if you know you’re someone who needs to take the time to tune in to your heart when making a decision, own it. Make your decisions from your heart. You don’t need a logical reason behind every decision that you make. You don’t need to create a pro/con list and you certainly don’t need to explain it to anyone. If you do feel like an explanation is warranted, “I feel that this is the right decision for me” or “Because my heart says so” are perfectly valid ways to cite the reasoning for your decision. Personally, I have a very well-developed logical brain and an innately fine-tuned emotional brain. It’s great when my logical brain reinforces what my heart already knows and wants to do, but I’ve noticed that it doesn’t quite work the other way around, i.e. my heart can’t reinforce what my logical self wants because my heart’s knowing is always there and it always precedes any form of logic. Your heart is a living masterpiece– listen to it and don’t apologize for it.
7. Existing
If you pay close attention to your words and actions, you may notice that, consciously or unconsciously, you tend to apologize for taking up space in the world. Something I commonly hear– and have been “guilty of” uttering myself– is “Oh, I’m sorry, am I in your way?” Whenever I hear this sentiment, I get an almost irresistible urge to take the person softly by the hand and tell them all the reasons why they are allowed to exist, all the reasons why their existence is no less important than my own, and all the reasons why there is no possible way that they are in my or anyone else’s way. You are here to take up space, like you. Period. The end. You wouldn’t be here as you are if you weren’t meant to be here as you are. Your existence is beyond important, and your gender, social class, educational level, looks, financial status, and race do not influence your inherent value one bit. So please, take up space, bump into people, let them know you’re here, and try not to apologize for it. Don’t ever forget that you are a significant and irreplaceable part of this world and that you deserve to show up as such.
What would happen if you stopped apologizing and started speaking and living your truth instead? Try it for a day, a week, a month! Let us know how it goes in the comments below.
